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Don’t go outside. Those Christmas Bows only beckon you to your doom.

News reports were released earlier this month stating that scientists had officially identified the coldest place on Earth. In fact, a new record has been established identifying the lowest earthly temperature on the planet via satellites. -136 degrees sure seems cold, right?

I can state, using my own unimpeachable scientific method (i.e. walking outside. Very academic.), that these so called “satellite scientists” are wrong. The coldest place on the planet is not in Antarctica. Just another lie scientists tell people – like dinosaurs and electric cars.

The coldest place on the planet is Ohio. 

Sure, during the day it was a sunny high of 20 degrees. But, as the sun slunk its hazy ass behind the horizon, the temps began to drop last night. I don’t think there are any metal surfaces in this place that don’t have a frost patina on them.  Gas is turning into slush up here! Dry ice is just randomly forming all over the town. Very weird.

Ok, so maybe that is a slight exaggeration. But, only slightly. Why do people live in Ohio!!? Climate change is going to make Ohioans extinct. Much like the people of the Roanoke Colony (see how I just solved that mystery? Scienced, Boom. You are welcome). One day, all of these people will just spontaneously combust into snow flakes and for hundreds of generations, anthropologists will be trying to piece it together.

What I am sayin’ is that it is cold here. 

Note: People I do NOT want to hear from about this post:

  • Anyone living in colder places than Ohio (Because those places don’t exist. Don’t even try it.)
  • Bill Nye
  • You liberal scientists and your cars that run on magic
  • Right Wing Christian Conspiracy Theorists
  • Dinosaurs
  • The ghosts of the following people: Sir Edmund Hillary, Sir James Clark Ross, Nobu Shirase and Richard Evelyn Bird
shirase-in-fur-large
Stop eyeballin’ me, Nobu.

 

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